Wednesday, December 21, 2005

On the Frontlines

It's been 354 days since the start of the "War on Christmas" and there is still no end in sight. Shock troops from ultra-liberal communist hippies have been carpet bombing the North Pole with manifestos on diversity. Santa's elves have been firing back with enormous candy cane cannons that are capable of shooting out 1000 candy canes per second. The awful pluralistic menace has retaliated by playing the phrase "happy holidays" out of enormous speakers mounted on the bodies of mutinous reindeer.

The casualties are mounting on both sides, but nobody is relenting. On the ground, there's an elf with a candy cane embedded in his skull. The sugary goodness is seeping out of his eyes. It's awful. The word is that Santa is at this moment working on a bomb that will turn an entire city into fruitcake. He says that is only his "nuclear option" though.

Meanwhile terrorist gingerbread men have been invading Wal-Mart, demanding the employees' wish the customers a "Merry Christmas." They are pressing their elf-made Christmas Tree double barred sawed off popcorn ball guns into the cashiers' sides.

Word has it that last night Frosty the Snowman triumphed over Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in an epic battle to the death. Initially, Rudolph began to evaporate Frosty with his powerful nose. Melting quickly, Frosty was almost out of options. But in a last ditch effort, Frosty reached into his snowy abdomen, pulling out an enormous icicle. He had prepared for just such an occasion. With a look of ferocity and desperation in his dark coal eyes, Frosty threw the icy weapon of death. It pierced Rudolph's nose, causing it to explode in a hail of glitter. The reindeer fell to the ground twitching violently. Frosty slid to the broken Rudolph, took off his carrot nose, and stabbed the dying reindeer repeatedly in the heart.

Frosty was last seen heading towards the headquarters of wearing Rudolph's head as a hat. His own magic hat was perched atop Rudolph's antlers. He was muttering something about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey and how "celebrity couples never stay together."

We are getting further reports that Frosty is unhappy with Christmas over the lack of interest over his old Christmas cartoon specials. Recently a letter was received from an anonymous source telling the creators of A Christmas Story to look out. The letter ended by suggesting that Will Ferrell should also watch his back, but said because "he's just not that damn funny anymore..."

Special Thanks to Billy Mahoney who helped me write this.

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