Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Weight Loss

This time of year, everyone dispenses weight loss advice. Most of it is completely ridiculous and bogus stuff that worked for those extremely high metabolic individuals. Such was the incident this evening...

R-dogg and I are sitting at the counter of our favorite pizza place The Red Plate, sharing a beer and eating pizza. We are in the middle of a conversation about how languages affect culture. I overhear the skinny crack addict sitting next to me dispensing his own weight loss advice to a heavy cook.

"Yeah man, you completely skip breakfast here. You wake up, smoke a few cigarettes..."

"I don't smoke."

"Well smoking helps assist weight loss, so start. Anyways, wake up smoke a few cigarettes and down a few pills of Spirolina. After that, take a shot of espresso and go to work."

"Sounds good so far."

"Okay, so for lunch eat a huge bowl of pasta with parmesan on it. You have to make sure it's parmesan because other cheeses have too much fat in them. Parmesan has no fat. Trust me, the carbohydrates will make you lose weight like crazy."

"So what next?"

"Yeah, so for dinner eat a frozen dinner. Those controlled portion dinners help out a lot. Make sure you eat it right before going to bed so your body will burn calories while you're sleeping. Also cut out all meats in your life. Protein causes you to gain weight, so you'll automatically lose ten pounds by not eating it." I decide to finally chime in.

"Okay, first of all cutting protein out of your diet is the worst possible idea. You will lose weight, but it'll be muscle mass, not fat."

"Yeah, but this guy can stand to lose some muscle."

"You never want to sacrifice weight for muscle. That's going the opposite way. Second of all, skipping breakfast is the worst idea possible. You want a good plan, eat a good multigrain cereal in the morning and drink a couple glasses of water."

"No, spirulina will take care of those cravings."

"Yeah, but you wont get any nutrients out of it. Anyways, eat a lean meat for lunch, like turkey or chicken on good multigrain bread. Drink more water."

"Dude, you need to drink caffeine. It jumpstarts the metabolism."

"Okay, you need to shut up. You're going to wreck this guy's system. Okay dude, you're going to hear a lot of advice about weight loss. The idea is not to do anything crazy like take supplements and not eat. Eat healthy, with good grains and healthy protein. Replace chips and soda wih fruit and water. Exercise. Please don't smoke, no matter what this idiot says."


Nile said...

I can't take it anymore. My sister-in-law just had lipo, and my other sister-in-law lost a jillion pounds on Atkins, so I'm offically the widest woman in the family. I'm so sick of reading about/thinking about/hearing about diets. It was much more fun around the holidays when we were all talking about drinking and eating. I know, I know, diet and exercise, blah, blah, blah. Let's wear big sweaters and eat some nachos tomorrow night.

Jake Silver said...

absolutely hilarious. and i thought i had problems with diet and exercise.