Monday, October 31, 2005

If Cable News Channels Followed Me (My 100th Post)

Commentator: He's leaving his apartment right now. He has on that sweatshirt he often wears when he's not feeling well. What do you think Earl?
Earl: Yes, the colors on that sweatshirt do suggest that he's in a dour mood. Who wears grey on green?
Commentator: Wait, wait he's opening his garage. Of course we all know last year he got an electric car door opener.
Earl: Yes, that was a big move for him. He often doesn't go big, but he insisted on this. It's really helped him out a lot.
Commentator: Out comes the blue Scion he drives. It's thrifty in this time of high gas prices. We believe he may be listening to some sort of audio cd.
Earl: My sources reported early that he stopped by the library to get an audiobook. He loves those things. Perhaps he's listening to it now?
Commentator: We can only guess. He's pulling out of the parking lot and turning. He's stopped by the gate! This is a huge setback for him. Whoever closes the gate ended up closing it a bit early tonight, costing him at least four minutes.
Earl: This is going to be a huge blow to his confidence. We can only hope he'll bounce back from this.
Commentator: He turns around and is now driving. You'll notice how easily he drives that car, smoothly and without any fear. Lets watch as he drives...
Earl: He really does have a great command of the controls. It's wonderful to see him drive.
Commentator: He's pulling into his gym. There is a spot open at the front of the building. Does he see it? He does! Amazingly, he has gotten a spot at the front of the building at 6:30. Wow, I would have never guessed this.
Earl: It is brilliant. He must be feeling good.
Commentator: What do you think about his walk to the door of the gym? What does it suggest?
Earl: Well, I think he's feeling good today. We all know he's going to spinning and that he's really there to see the spinning instructor. His walk is very bouncy.
Commentator: That it is. He's in the club now, and we have a special camera inside just for this. He strolls into the locker room, and we can't follow him there. We can only guess at what happens. Earl, how much time does he need in there?
Earl: He usually takes between 5 and 10 minutes. Sometimes he has to urinate so it could take longer. We'll just have to see.
Commentator: He's out! Wow, he managed to get into his gym clothes in 3 minutes.
Earl: He must have had them on underneath his clothing. A bold strategy.
Commentator: He's warming up now. He warms up with a series of abdominal exercises, plus some excellent pushups and bicep curls. I've got to say, today he is looking good.
Earl: I agree totally. He seems very energetic and happy. Perhaps something big happened at work today.
Commentator: We can only guess. Ahh look, the spinning instructor walked by and said hello to him. Is that a flush in his cheeks? It is!
Earl: Yeah, he is clearly shy around her, suggesting how deeply he loves her. We don't know how she feels about him though.
Commentator: We'll just have to wait and see. Oh my gosh, what's happened! He is staring down at his hands and it seems like he has a large sore on his hands, possibly cracking or a scar.
Earl: My sources tell me he has psoriasis, and it's on his hands sometimes. That cut looks like psoriasis.
Commentator: How does this effect his spinning chances tonight?
Earl: Well obviously it's going to hurt him. Lets hope he can find a way around this problem.
Commentator: He's headed back to the locker room! Is he giving up already?
Earl: Well, he doesn't look happy. I don't know what will happen now, but it could be bad.
Commentator: He's going in....he's out and it looks like he's wrapped his hand and cleaned it thoroughly.
Earl: He seems happy with the job he did. He's headed over to the spinning room to begin his stretches.
Commentator: The spinning instructor has stopped him. She's telling him something.
Earl: This does not look good. They both look very unhappy.
Commentator: What could possibly be wrong?
Earl: Well any number of things. At this point it would be silly to guess. Perhaps she is turning him down for a date, or telling him his spinning form is wrong.
Commentator: They are going into the spinning room, and we can't follow. We'll stay with this growing news story while we go to national news. Lets leave a camera up on the door of the spinning room in case a development occurs.
Earl: We'll be right back.
(one hour later)
Commentator: Yes, yes, i think we are beginning to see folks emerge from the spinning room. There he is, looking very tired. He must have gotten a heck of a workout.
Earl: Those rosy cheeks suggest he worked hard. He's walking with a slight limp, but he seems okay for now.
Commentator: What do you think emotionally is going on?
Earl: Any number of things. He might be upset because of what the instructor told him. Maybe he is feeling jovial after his workout. We just never know.
Commentator: We've just received late breaking word that he will be holding a press conference in front of the gym in about twenty minutes. Hold it here while we wait for what he has to say.
Earl: I'm waiting with baited breath.
(twenty one minutes later)
Brett: Good evening. At about 6:55pm today, I noticed a large scar on my hands from psoriasis. As many of you know, it has been my scourge for many years. I was able to make a makeshift bandage out of paper towels and the spinning did continue as planned, albeit I felt weakened by it. Does anyone have any questions?
Reporter: Yes, Mr. Evans, we noticed you had a brief conversation with your spinning instructor today that seemed unhappy. Would you care to comment on that?
Brett: The conversation was our business. Yes, sir.
Sean Hannity: Mr. Evans, you are an outed liberal. Isn't this psoriasis thing just a scam to bring more attention to yourself? Doesn't it just feed in to the liberal media? Isn't my hair ridiculous?
Brett:, no, yes.
Bill O'Reilly: I don't accept that answer. This is a no-spin zone and clearly you have been spinning.
Brett: Actually sir, this is the front of a gym, and yes I have been spinning. It's why the blood in my face is currently so bright. Next?
Al Franken: Is President Bush hindering your ability to spin Mr. Lassoff? Be honest, but say it in a way where I can write it down to seem humorous. Otherwise, I got nothing.
Brett: President Bush has got his hands in a lot of pies, but spinning is definitely not one of them. Ann Coulter: Aren't all liberal spinners baby killers though? Isn't it true that you buried a teenage girl at your Hyannisport mansion?
Brett: Okay, first of all I live in an apartment in East Hartford, Connecticut. There are no mansions. Secondly, I try and stay away from babies. They scare me.
Reporter: We have been hearing a rumor that you are upset because the spinning instructor is leaving. Is this true?
Brett: I cannot confirm or deny anything regarding that. It is a private matter between the instructor and I.
Reporter: Can you give us a hint?
Brett: This press conference is over.

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