Candid Conversation

Dear Mr. Evans,

We are recruiting members of the blogosphere to be part of a "candid conversation with President Bush." As such we have noticed your elegant style and amazing rhetorical flourishes, and thus would like to offer you a spot on this program.

Please understand that we believe it is your patriotic duty to perform in this "chat." You will be helping the country in a time of great need. The truth is, Mr. Evans, our president is suffering under the weight of all the recent scandals that have come up, and he needs you to pull him through it. Here is a transcrip of the "candid conversation" you will be having with the president. Your lines are italicized.

Bush: Mr. Evans, you are an amazing blogger with an awesome future. Clearly you influence tens of people a week. How do you think the country is going?

Evans: Well Mr. President, I think you are doing a bang up job, just terrific. Gee darn, I couldn't be happier about the way things are going with our country.

Bush: I'm pleased to hear you say that. By the way, you are a strikingly handsome man. So what do you think of Iraq currently?

Evans: Well sir, I was initially skeptical, but gosh, I'm just so happy. Every day I can't help but think of how many people you are helping all over the world. Democracy must spread and if we have to force people to believe in it than by gosh we will.

Bush: I couldn't have said it better. You and I just seem to have some sort of connection, like kismet and such. So what's your opinion of Harriet Miers?

Evans: Well personally sir, I think she's a refreshing change from the normally intelligent, bold and well read justices who are normally picked. You made the call on this one sir, don't pick someone smart, pick someone you know who will pretty much bow to your every wish. I don't want a justice on the court who can express themselves well in writing, or has a solid career making judicial decisions. I just want someone who has sucked up to you all their life. You've made the right decision by picking someone who considers you the smartest person ever!

Bush: I appreciate your candor sir. Might I say that you are the smartest man I've ever known, and I know Dick Cheney. Hey, what's your opinion of the economy?

Evans: Well sir, I always hear that you have to spend money to make money. Clearly this country is spending money like crazy, and with the amount we are spending, I guarantee we'll make some real soon. I'm optimistic that the economy will be great real soon.

Bush: I appreciate this frank and serious talk we've had. You truly are a great American citizen. God bless you Mr. Evans.

Evans: God bless you, sir.

Mr. Evans, please remember to memorize your answers so they seem more off the cuff, and give the president a little bit of room because he can't pronounce the words some times. Slow down so he can understand the words you say. Just do your best and everything should go really well. Oh, and if you have any questions please call me. Hurry because chances are I'll be indicted soon.

Best,
Karl Rove