Cruise Days

I'm sitting in the aft deck lounge, casually smoking a cigarette and watching the sun pull itself into the New Orleans sky. I couldn't go back to my deluxe suite because Jolene, the lovely FEMA associate director of highway obstructions, is sprawled out on my king-sized bed. I hate it when they stay over. Even the college girls from the French Quarter always managed to stumble their way back to their hotel rooms.

Last night's party was crazy. Those FEMA people sure do know how to run a ship. They say New Orleans was home of the best restaurants in the country. I can safely say once again New Orleans has great culinary fare. The ship's crew keep making these lavish dinners for 1200 people or so, but there are only 400 of us, so we get to eat wonderful shrimp, lobster and steak. I'm afraid my previously well sculpted body is becoming a bit flabby.

But I get some pretty good exercise around here. Last night we had a FEMA limbo contest and I felt great after that, though I lost miserably. Those FEMA people are incredibly pliable. The way they bend and twist their way out of things makes your heart stop.

There's also a deluxe 15,000 square foot gym which I occasionally use, but it becomes boring because no one is ever there. There's no sense of urgency when you dont have to claw your way onto a treadmill. Last night's spinning class was empty, so I decided it wasn't worth yelling at myself to move faster. I went back to my room and ordered Calamari with Oysters. It was quite a tasty snack.

It gets pretty lonely around here during the day. All the FEMA people are gone holding press conferences. They've been ordered to tell the world that Ray Nagin is one bad mother of a mayor. At night, briefly nestled in my bed, Jolene and I come up with pretty funny things to say about him. My favorite is "Incompetent Ray, what'll he cry over today." Unfortunately Brownie turned that one down. He was doing a hell of a job.

Life is great here on the Ecstasy though. The tiki bartender and I have gotten pretty close. He and I sit around drinking blueberry daquiris and taking turns hitting golf balls into New Orleans. I almost hit the Superdome yesterday, but no one was around to notice. I don't think they would have much cared.

I've been thinking about going into New Orleans to save a puppy or something, but I asked the captain and he told me that all of the cute ones were reserved for news anchors filming daring rescues. He showed me a tape of one adorable lab being saved. Now that was excellent news.

Recently I watched the news about Hurricane Rita and I felt bad for those people. I didn't see a single cruise ship come to help any of them. It must be hard to evacuate a city when you don't have shuffleboard to keep you occupied. I heard some of those people don't even have a beach volleyball court where they are going. How could they stand it?

I'd like to personally thank our President for footing the bill and allowing me to crash on this wonderful vessel. It really is a delight to be on this fabulously ornate cruise ship. But I must go now. The breakfast buffet is calling me.