How Bad Can Music Get?

Big music companies are still crying about the fact that digital music is destroying their business. What's actually killing the music business is the music itself. I blame the Black Eyed Peas. It isn't possible to make a song that is worse than "Humps." I love how this tune manages to disgust me with its juvenile lyrics and lack of actually being music. Yet it's played at least 100 times a day on any given radio station. People don't love this song, they just can't avoid it.

When I buy an album, I first hear a great song on the radio and look up the artist on Amazon. After sampling several tracks, I will usully buy it. Recently though, the radio has been so innundated with songs like "Humps" that I can't listen anymore. The reason why I'm not buying CDs anymore is because you're promoting crap and ignoring good musicians. Stop filling the air with garbage Gwen Stefani and start playing songs from musicians who actually play music. "Hollaback Girl" is recycled Disney Channel excrement.

The blame should fall almost entirely on the huge media monstrosities like Clear Channel and Infinity. Local radio stations that still choose their own playlists are a dying breed. You want to know why CD sales continue to fall at a ridiculous pace, look no further than the enormous companies managing the radio stations. People will want to buy songs when you give them a reason to.

Parking in Hartford

As many young people can attest to, parking in downtown Hartford is a disaster. So it was last night when R-dogg and I went to our favorite pizzeria for dinner. There was a Wolfpack game on, and therefore every single bit of free parking was taken. They shouldn't bother wondering why young people don't congregate in Hartford. It's not worth dealing with the ridiculous lack of parking.

So it was with great interest when I read about the Hartford monorail project in the Sunday Courant. For the full effect, you need to see the map on the back of the Northeast. It really is quite a wonder. There are several things that need to happen in order for it to work:

• The Rentschler Field "Evergreen Walk-esque" project needs to move forward. Make that area a cool place to hang out.
• The East Hartford riverfront needs to be developed. Build nice, affordable condominiums, cool restaurants and coffee houses that people will want to visit. Sell the condominiums to young professionals rather than older retirees (which is apparently what is happening to the Hartford condos).
• The Metro-North line between New Haven and Springfield needs to be built. The reason why Hartford fails so gloriously is that it's so hard to get to. Make it easier for people from different counties to visit Hartford.
• Commuter lots need to be built in East Hartford. Make it easy for people to go to the nice restaurants and bars in Hartford.
  
• The actual train and commuter lots need to be well maintained and managed. Otherwise we are going to end up with a broken down embarassment that people will avoid. It will be shunned like CT transit.

Hitmen in Movies

There's a long, solid tradition of professional killers being these cool, slick characters in movies. Often you'd want to be a Chili Palmer or Martin Blank beccause they were just so fun. Professional killing must be great fun. Professional criminals are equally awesome.

So it's with great joy that The Matador, the new film featuring Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear, feels gritty and real. In the movie, Brosnan plays a professional killer at the end of his career. He has no friends, family or even place of residence. Instead, Brosnan's character floats from hotel to hotel for his next job. He is a loud, obnoxious drunkard who is desperately lonely and on the verge of an anxiety attack. Insert Greg Kinnear as a sweet, innocent family man who befriends Brosnan, and you have a comedy with some interesting introspective moments.

They've failed to promote The Matador all that well, so I feel like I should do my part. It's a great film in the midst of the crappy studio release dumping ground of January. Go see it.

Underworld: Evolution was also great. I'm not sure what the plot was, or even anything about the characters, but Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather suit (and then in one scene not in that suit) was well worth it. There were also explosions.

For Shame

I was embarassed when I came home yesterday and found that Oprah had royally bitch slapped James Frey. On her show yesterday afternoon, she put him in front of the firing squad. I like Oprah for a lot of reasons, but her actions on this were pathetic. Frey's gone through enough, but you feel that since he somehow wronged you, then need to publicly embarass him further.

Furthermore, you were right the first time, when you said that the book was still inherently true. Stick to that and let's not further the "I was wronged so I need to wrong this person back" philosophy that is so prevalent on our society. Nothing is more pathetic than making yourself feel better at someone else's expense.

Classes

It's interesting when you first start a class. In a normal world, the first college class of the semester starts with everyone generally being shy, placing their new books on the desk and pretending to leaf through them. The professor walks in, attempts some sort of clumsy "getting to know you" assignment, hands out the syllabus and makes a quick escape. You breathe a sigh of relief as you realize your 3 hour class ended up taking 15 minutes.

But our class last night had Bill in it. Strange things happen when Bill is around.

So it was that our professor walked into the classroom with Bill giving one of his timely lectures on the dangers of fidelity to a group of people who had never met him. There was, of course, an interesting debate going on in which we were loud and raucous What must that poor man have thought?

But I wouldn't want it any other way. The reason why our class was so exciting last semester was because we had so many electric personalities in it. I can only hope for the same.

Torn

I am torn over Fox's current Tuesday night schedule. They took away House for the time being and replaced it with 2 hours of American Idol. That type of offense is nearly inforgivable. House is a fun, intelligent and great comedy. American Idol is stupid and mean, especially when Cowell dispenses one of his trademark insults.

So then why can I not stop watching it?

As much as I hate to admit it, there's a measure of schadenfreunde with American Idol. I love when a person describes themselves as the next "Jay-Z" or "Christina" and then proceeds to be absolutely awful. So I'm waiting patiently for House to return, but in the meantime it's quite a nice, mindless wait.

Ridiculous

Has our economy really gotten so bad that we need to outsource torture to other countries? I just feel terrible for all those local torturers who are now out of a job. What are they to tell their families?

Just another sign of the Bushies destroying the working class...

My Body: A Short Story

It happened so fast. Lying in bed, I took a deep breath in, held it for about as long as I could, and rode the wave out of my lungs. I am not sure if I consciously wanted to leave my body, maybe reflecting some sort of inner turmoil. I was just suddenly hovering over it, staring at myself. It was a little weird.So I did what any individual in my situation would do. I took off. My body seemed like it was fine on its own so I flew out of the bedroom and explored. It's amazing how fast you can travel when you don't have to deal with the mass of a body. Time and distance seemed irrelevant as I coasted over the world without my body.I'm a little embarrassed to admit I did what any man would in my situation- I went to see old girlfriends and women I was attracted to. It’s not as great as you think. Once you are detached from the physical body, that need is sucked right out of you. Nothing exciting at all about seeing a random human body unclothed.I visited my parents, my sister and other relatives, who seemed to be doing fine. My sister was up late eating the leftover ice-cream cake from her 32nd birthday party last week. I wanted to tell her that she needed to stop secretly snaking or she'd never lose that extra ten pounds she's always freaking about, but without any vocal cords I could only think it. My parents were sleeping in separate beds, having conceded that their love lives were pretty much over and it was time to get some sleep. They seemed happier for it. Aunt Judy was getting high alone, as is common for her. She has not gone a day without pot since she was 12.After making sure all my relatives were okay, I traveled to foreign lands. I went to Shanghai, Bombay, Curacao, Dubai and several African nations I do not care to spell or even discuss. Living in America, I never understood how beautiful these places were until I'd actually seen them. Of course, I am not sure how I was seeing them, considering my eyes were thousands of miles away from me. I think I still managed to hold onto my poetic soul.I became lonely. Traveling around and seeing new places is fun, but without another person it seemed rather useless.The strange thing is, when I returned to my bed, my body was gone. I looked all around my apartment and found it in the shower, carefully shaving. While I had a good idea of how to get back into my body, I was curious to see it function without me.I followed it around all day, watching it interact with colleagues and friends, providing pleasantries and going through all the motions I would. It did a great job at work getting all my work done in at least half the time. Of course, it didn't seem to get bored or need to leave the cubicle to talk to my friends. It just worked until it had nothing to do and waited for more work.At the end of the day, it went home. I watched in amazement as it viewed the primetime sitcoms, eyes half open and looking dazed. After several hours, my body crawled into bed and went to sleep. That was when I made my decision.So now I am a traveler, leaving my body behind. I was lonely for the first couple of days, figuring that I was alone in my lack of body. It turns out that there are lots of us living like this. Our bodies didn’t need us anyways.

Yes!

The best snow days are the ones that are completely unexpected. Last night as I was going to bed, I turned on New England Cable News and saw they were expecting a dusting to an inch for us. I figured there was an ofdf chance off a delayed opening. What a nice feeling to wake up, turn the television on, and see another snow day. Exams in late June, here we come!

Condolences

Dear Heather Graham,

I am truly sorry for the recent cancellation of your television show. This must be a tough time for you, where you are doubting your own talents and abilities. You are quite a wonderful individual who was stepping into the wrong medium. The movies are really where you belong.

Of course in this time of need, I offer my services to you. If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to for all hours of the night, feel free to send me an email. We can get together for coffee and then afterwards you can feel free to come back to my studio apartment and discuss your further career options. Allow me to help you during this tough time.

Best,
Brett Evans

Happy Birthday Gerry

Surprise parties are fun, and even more so when the person is genuinely unaware of the surprise. Case in point, last night's very exciting bash for my friend Gerry's 30th birthday. I was so happy that nobody tipped Gerry off to it, especially considering that I walked around all week filled with the anxiety that I would be the one to blow it for everyone. Whenever saw Gerry at work, I would plunge my eyes to the floor, a casual "hey" extruding from my lips. Desperation, thy name is not telling someone about their surprise party. Oh please don't tell him accidentally slip.

I have a big mouth.

So it was with great joy that Gerry walked into the backroom of the Wood N' Tap last night, almost completely unaware of what was happening. We all had been there for about an hour with an open bar, so some of us ended up shouting "seeerprishhh." Okay, maybe that was just me. Those "girly" French martinis do a number on me.

Happy 30th birthday Gerry. When I turn 30, and I have the amount of friends and family who care about me so much, I'll be very happy. You are a great friend who deserves it all.

Pathetic Appeal

The GOP strategy for the 2006 elections has been outlined and guess what? For the bazillionth time the GOPs will bring terror to the hearts of the American people in order to get into office to continue their downward spiral. My desperate hope is that smarter voters will be numb to this inundation of fear and see through the lies and filth these desperate politicians are spreading. Please Democrats, find your own inner strength and rise up to take down these snake-oil salesman who are driving America into the ground.

What's Really Bothering Me

I stole the title from Bill, but that's because I find it incredibly provocative. Bill, in his posting, actually had a coherent thing that was really bugging him. My answer is that I genuinely don't know what's bothering me. But something is, and I don't like it.

Every morning for the past five or six days I've woken up feeling empty, like there's something missing. It used to be that I would wake up sad because I wanted a girl romantically in my life. I would actively work to find a girl who was willing to be romantic with me. I know that feeling though, and this isn't it.

I'm also not lonely, which happens on occasion. Recently though, I've been lucky in friendship, so I'm hardly ever alone if I don't want to be. Plus, I have my cats, one of which is sitting here watching me blog. One day soon, he'll rise up and start his own blog. It could happen people.

It's not my career, because I have a good job doing something I truly enjoy. Okay, maybe I'd like to make a little more money, but who honestly wouldn't? So I have a good job with decent pay and a roof over my head. I can't complain about that.

I feel better now. I'm still not sure what's bothering me, but taking inventory of what's good in my life has made me feel a lot better. Thanks blogging, you rascally devil. You've done it again.

Intelligent

Orson Scott Card has written a really intelligent and balanced argument about intelligent design. I like the way he compares the Designists to Darwinists, who he claims are both dogmatic at heart. He's right, the Darwinists definitely do seem to have a streak of "fervent belief" in them. Card has once again restored my faith that he is one of the sharpest minds around- Bush supporter or otherwise.

Strange Coffee Conversations

"Dude, that woman is absolutely beautiful."

"Yeah, I know she's stunning."

"I wouldn't mind being her husband, staying at home and taking care of the kids."

"Yeah, what a body on....wait, what?"

"Well look at the type of car she's driving. The lady must have money."

"So your goal in life is to marry a woman with money and be a house husband?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Well could we still sit here drinking coffee?"

"I don't see why not."

"Nice."

Hotspots

Lately I have found myself going to Starbucks and sitting around to discuss nothing much with R-dogg. Our conversation is quite interesting most of the time, but this week we've both been incredibly busy with work. So, I tried bringing my laptop to Starbucks in hopes I could use their wireless hotspot. Yes, I wanted to be those pretentious person sipping coffee and banging on a laptop.

Except Starbucks has completely fumbled the ball on hotspots. Rather than make it so people can have a nice amenity when they come in to drink their coffee, Starbucks has decided to profit from this venture and charge people for their wireless internet. When I saw 29.95 a month to use the internet, I almost lost it. What are they seriously thinking?

I barely pay more than 30 to have private internet in my apartment. Being a techie geek, I figured that Starbucks is probably paying close to 100 per store for the wireless hotspots, which means the markup on the wireless is about as much as the markup on their coffee.

If you were smart Starbucks, you would make the wireless free, like several other coffee places including Panera Bread. It's called customer appreciation, which in turn makes us want to buy your ridiculously overpriced coffee and pastries. Don't feel like every little thing in your coffeehouse is an opportunity to make money.

Weight Loss

This time of year, everyone dispenses weight loss advice. Most of it is completely ridiculous and bogus stuff that worked for those extremely high metabolic individuals. Such was the incident this evening...

R-dogg and I are sitting at the counter of our favorite pizza place The Red Plate, sharing a beer and eating pizza. We are in the middle of a conversation about how languages affect culture. I overhear the skinny crack addict sitting next to me dispensing his own weight loss advice to a heavy cook.

"Yeah man, you completely skip breakfast here. You wake up, smoke a few cigarettes..."

"I don't smoke."

"Well smoking helps assist weight loss, so start. Anyways, wake up smoke a few cigarettes and down a few pills of Spirolina. After that, take a shot of espresso and go to work."

"Sounds good so far."

"Okay, so for lunch eat a huge bowl of pasta with parmesan on it. You have to make sure it's parmesan because other cheeses have too much fat in them. Parmesan has no fat. Trust me, the carbohydrates will make you lose weight like crazy."

"So what next?"

"Yeah, so for dinner eat a frozen dinner. Those controlled portion dinners help out a lot. Make sure you eat it right before going to bed so your body will burn calories while you're sleeping. Also cut out all meats in your life. Protein causes you to gain weight, so you'll automatically lose ten pounds by not eating it." I decide to finally chime in.

"Okay, first of all cutting protein out of your diet is the worst possible idea. You will lose weight, but it'll be muscle mass, not fat."

"Yeah, but this guy can stand to lose some muscle."

"You never want to sacrifice weight for muscle. That's going the opposite way. Second of all, skipping breakfast is the worst idea possible. You want a good plan, eat a good multigrain cereal in the morning and drink a couple glasses of water."

"No, spirulina will take care of those cravings."

"Yeah, but you wont get any nutrients out of it. Anyways, eat a lean meat for lunch, like turkey or chicken on good multigrain bread. Drink more water."

"Dude, you need to drink caffeine. It jumpstarts the metabolism."

"Okay, you need to shut up. You're going to wreck this guy's system. Okay dude, you're going to hear a lot of advice about weight loss. The idea is not to do anything crazy like take supplements and not eat. Eat healthy, with good grains and healthy protein. Replace chips and soda wih fruit and water. Exercise. Please don't smoke, no matter what this idiot says."

Greatest Politcal Move Ever

Enough said...

Everyone's Heart is Broken

"The idea is to separate your thoughts and feelings. You can have feelings, just make sure you don't feel them," the instructor said, surveying the room. Most of the students in the classroom nodded, seeming to understand. I was bored, this was the fourth time I had heard this speech. The instructor looked at me, a look of disapproval on her face.

"You're bored again Gene?"

"Is it that bad?"

"Well the thought balloon is not as clear this time, but it still slipped out of you." The thought balloons were my bane, the reason why I had to take this class every week. I hated them.

"We all hate thought balloons Mr. Manning, that's why we are here. You need to figure out how to deal with them. Yes, I know you've heard this all before. Hey, it's not my fault that you're here!" I was once again ballooning without controlling it. Sometimes my feelings got so out of hand that they popped into thoughts. People are usually quite embarrassed by it. A teenager raised her hand and the instructor walked away, giving me a look of disdain.

"Yes Ms. Kratchett?"

"Where do thought balloons come from?"

"Didn't you parents tell you?"

"Well, they gave me this hokey story about how one day God looked down on the world and saw so much lying and hatred and decided to make people's thoughts visible. So now we have thought balloons, that make our thoughts appear."

"That is correct."

"Well, how could we possibly know that?"

"It's the theory of cognitive manufacturing. Science can't explain thought balloons, so they must have been caused by an intelligent being. Since no one has disproved it, it must be true." The teenager had a thought balloon over her head that read "stupid, stupid." I chuckled. An older man from across the room raised his hand.

"Yes Mr. Wilkins?"

"What about the applied theory of particle resonance?"

"Hey, what's that?"I yelled from across the room. I'd genuinely never heard of it.

"Well, the story goes that about a century ago, they were messing with new ways to make energy when they sort of messed up the particles in the air. Since then, everything has been all..."

"Mr. Wilkins," the teacher yelled.

"What?"

"That theory is a fallacy forwarded by the progressive thought movement. The common theory is that we have been punished by God."

"If we are being punished by God, then why do we work so hard to quelch the thoughts?" I asked. The class began laughing.

"Hey, what's so funny?" The woman next to me pulled out her pocket reflector and pointed it at me. Above my head, a thought balloon said "Why is this so dumb?"

"Mr. Manning, may I see you outside please?" the teacher asked. The class began laughing even further. I looked around and saw several people with thought balloons floating above them. I was too embarassed to read them.

The door slammed shut as the teacher stared me down. She was old, her skin folded upon itself in several places. Her hazel eyes still burned with intensity, showing a deep resolve for her work.

"Yes, I realize how old I am Mr. Manning. No I wasn't born with the dinosaurs. Hey, now that's not funny. Mr. Manning, would you please stop your thoughts for the time being, they are getting in the way of this conversation.

Animated Films

I loved computer animated films. Every time a new one came out, I would go see it, fascinated by the technological innovation behind them. So it was for many years, when computer animation took so long that the writers had time to make the story really good. I was enamored with this innovative new type of filmmaking, with really great stories. Until Shark Tale came out.

Shark Tale was what I always dreaded for computer animated films; pretty crap. I don't mean the movie was pretty crappy, but that it became so easy to make computer animated films, that Dreamworks was now able to pump out really attractive looking weak scripts. Shark Tale was absolute pop culture garbage designed to make a quick buck.

Since then, it's been all downhill. The movie industry, smelling insane profit, has spilled out poor computer animated movies every month. The recent dearth of computer animated films set to come out is set to destroy the glitz of the computer animated industry.

Which is why I had really low hopes for Hoodwinked, which is an independent computer animated film distributed by the new Weinstein Company. It looked like a bad version of Shrek, but then why would the Weinsteins touch it? So I went to see it, thinking it couldn't be so bad and at least entertaining. I was right though, the animation was bad.

But that's where the badness ends. It seems that when you have a tiny budget and poor animation, you really need to make a story worth watching. So the story is very funny, and quite interesting. It is another fractured fairy tale, but it has a lot more twists than Shrek and doesn't rely so heavily on the fairy tale characters. Instead, it mixes in more interesting characters and has a good plot. I was very impressed by Hoodwinked. It brought me back to those older days where Chicken Little and Madagascar didn't exist. Check it out.

By the way, Munich wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be.