Thursday, February 09, 2006

Ordering Woes

I wish I had more control of what comes out of my mouth. But my mind just doesn't connect with my vocal cords in the right ways. A good example is ordering coffee in the morning. I practice while waiting in line, making sure I know exactly what I want. I want a medium black coffee with three splendas. Something about the person asking "may I help you?" messes me up. I say the strangest shit:

"Yeah, hi, good morning, how are you today? Um, I want a coffee, without cream, black. Oh, it needs to be a medium. So a medium, no cream. Did I say black? I want it black. I guess I want a medium coffee, black. Oh and three splendas. Make sure there's three splendas in there. So coffee, black, no creme or milk, with three splendas, medium."

It gets even worse at Starbucks. I always order a grande coffee in a ceramic mug. Before I go to bed, I recite "Grande coffee in a ceramic mug." I can never seem to get it right:

"Hey, whatsup, how has your day been? Yeah, um, a normal coffee please. A medium coffee, black. Oh that's right, I mean grande coffee black with three splendas in it. I forgot, you have the sweetener on the side. So just a grande coffee please. In a ceramic mug please. A grande coffee in a ceramic mug with three splendas. I'll go get the splendas myself. Would you care to join me for a cup? No, I understand."

Maybe the answer is to stop drinking coffee and switch to tea. That could be easier to order.


zorlack said...

I have recently discovered the "Short Latte" at Starbucks. This is a must-try. It's the only way to get a strong cup-a-joe at SB. Also, its only two words. Piece of cake.

The other day I was feeling adventurous at Starbucks and I decided to ask for a Valencia Latte. The woman at the counter looked at me like I had two heads. Then she made it.

Big mistake.


Mattyd said...

I've already told you to save yourself a fortune and stop going to that stupid place.

Now you have another reason to take my advice.

I'm going to have to post on my hatred of Starbucks soon.

patti said...

Tea isn't that easy either. I'm a tea person and you know it's next to impossible to get a cup of chai tea. I mean, a simple teabag in a cup of hot water. No such thing in some establishments. This means I get a prefabricated creamy concoction that is steamed up with dairy and sugar. Whatever happened to the teabag? When I ask about the illusive little pouch they show me the tupperware container of chai especial--or whatever it's called. So that's the true story behind the lack of simplicity in tea-drinking. Good luck finding a pure and simple beverage! See you thursday.

patti said...

I meant to say the ELUSIVE little pouch!

Jake Silver said...

very funny post.