In my family, I am the youngest amongst my brother and cousins. So it is with terrible anticipation that I always fall to reading the Haggadah. Even when I was six years old with a red bowtie and we were at a stranger's house, I read the Haggadah. It's always been my duty. It's never gone well.
My first couple of times, I remember humming over the Hebrew I couldn't pronounce or remember. The Haggadah went something like "Ma Nishtana Halahmmm hmmm hmm hmmleyloth." There was a lot of wine at our passovers.
When I was older, we decided maybe the Hebrew wasn't such a good idea. Of course by then I didn't bother to practice the English either, so I started making interesting things up. Usually it would be like "Why is this night different from all other nights? Well, I don't have school tomorrow, so that's good. I also have a glass of wine in front of me. What's up with that mom and dad? I'm like fourteen." There was always lots of wine.
Recently I've been doing seders with my cousins. I still have to read the freaking Hagaddah because my cousin's children aren't old enough yet. This turns out to be more of a disaster because my uncle is the most impatient person when it comes to food. My new Haggadah is normally something along the lines of "Ma Nishtana Halayla CAN WE FREAKING EAT ALREADY Hazzeh Mikkol NO SERIOUSLY, THE MATZOH BALL SOUP IS RIGHT THERE, I'M STARVING Haleyloth Shibekhol WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING THE HEBREW FOR ANYWAYS Haleyloth."
I was pleased to see this very simple version of the Haggadah. I'm actually skipping out this year for scheduling issues, but I will send it to my uncle with my regrets. My plan is to see him on Friday anyways, where we will we eat traditional non-Kosher fried seafood in a nice restaurant in Sheepshead Bay. I'm planning on having this conversation:
"Why is this night different from all other nights Uncle Peter?"
"Shut up and eat your fried clams."